


Who is in control?

by enchantedregina



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky fights Natasha and Mantis, Bucky needs a hug, Hydra (Marvel), Hydra fights with butter knives, Panic Attacks, brainwashing Bucky, except for Bucky having a new arm, mention of Howards and Maria Starks death, mention of Steve, mention of the red room training with Nat, no infinity war spoilers, sad bucky, things get really ugly before they get better, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantedregina/pseuds/enchantedregina
Summary: Bucky, Natasha and Mantis are on a mission in Hydra and get caught. Hydra takes the chance and brainwashes Bucky one more time.His next mission: killing Natasha and Mantis. But the Winter Soldier didn't expect that a certain empathic bug and a certain russian spy believe more in Bucky than he ever did.Just a short insight of what happens in Buckys head during and after being brainwashed.(The tags up there don't mean, that WinterWidow and WInterBug (Bucky/Mantis) are canon in this os. There aren't any romantic mentions, just lots of cuddles and redroom memories)





	Who is in control?

**Author's Note:**

> Finally! My first Marvel stuff. I know this is really short, but it was originally a Solo I wrote for my twitter rp account.  
> I might or might not ship Mantis and Bucky a little bit and decided their shipping name is WinterBug. WinterWidow explains itself.  
> Now I decided to see if you guys like it, because I'm really back in the writing mood and may write more marvel if I see that you guys like my writing.  
> I'd appreciate some feedback :)
> 
> And now just enjoy the following pain. I might or might not have cried writing that.
> 
> love always,

_I sat alone in bed till the morning._  
_I'm crying, "They're coming for me"._  
_And I tried to hold these secrets inside me -_  
_my mind's like a deadly disease._

 _I'm bigger than my body,_  
_I'm colder than this home._  
_I'm meaner than my demons,_  
_I'm bigger than these bones._

 

** \- Longing. [zhelanyie] - **

The air was harsh in his chest. He was breathing too fast. Not deep enough. He was close to a panic attack. Maybe he already was having one. Or maybe he was just in pain. His head seemed to explode again. And again. And he wouldn't lose consciousness.

His eyes searched through the room - similar to one he had been staying all the past years. Similar to the one he thought he'd escaped forever.

Steve. He hoped he was safe. He was glad Steve didn't come along this time. That he stayed with Tony. Steve would need a friend when they were done here.

It was an ache in his chest, knowing that he'd forget it all soon again. His wild eyes found the ones he was searching for. Two of them. They were caught on the mission. All three of them.

Bucky already forgot what the original mission was.

 

** \- Rusted. [rzhavyy] -  **

He didn't worry so much about Natasha. They fought enough times in the past. She'd fight him today again. He trained her. He made her one of the best.

Random memories passing in front of him, probably while he was already forgetting them.

Natasha would kick her way out of here. He was sure. Maybe she'd kill him. And Bucky wouldn't fight back.

But he wasn't Bucky anymore. Not long anymore.

 

**\- Seventeen. [Semnadtsat'] -**  

The pain didn't stop. His bones were aching. Everywhere. His arm was aching. He tried moving his fingers but it was too much. He couldn't handle. Or maybe it was all just in his brain.

He tried to fight it. The chains which were holding him in place seemed to get tighter with every second.

His chest was heaving under his breath. He wished he could stop breathing, maybe the pain would stop then.

He needed to focus. He tried to focus back on Natasha. He tried to remember their mission. Why they were here. But everytime he thought he might have the right thought - it was already gone again.

His eyes went from Natasha, who was still unconscious to the other one who was there. He tried to remember the name.

Mantis. Right. That was her name. A pure, innocent being he always had enjoyed spending time with. She always seemed so positive. So nice and lovely. Like she wouldn't care about his past. It would be different this time. She'd definitely care. If she'd still be able to.

 

**\- Daybreak. [Rassvet] -**

His thoughts were slipping again. He was mostly just staring. The pain radiating through his whole body. Maybe he was losing his mind right now. And Bucky remembered it all too well. It all came back.

Before it was slipping again from his mind. Soon. It would be over soon.

He didn't really fight anymore.

What had he been thinking about?

Right. Natasha and Mantis. He tried to hold on to their names. Steve. The people who meant so much to him. He needed to remember them.

But they were taking it from him.

He didn't remember anymore the time before Hydra. The war. The fall. It was all gone.

 

**\- Furnace. [Pech'] -**

His thoughts slowly fully slipped him. He couldn't grap them anymore. A few random scenes in his head. Howard and Maria Stark. The feeling in his hand came slowly back.

The countless others he had killed. But they were slipping.

There was no room in his head for that. For anything. For memories. For another life.

 

**\- Nine. [Devyat'] -**

Nothing. He didn't remember the names of the girls in front of him. No matter how hard he tried. He knew he should remember a third name. But he couldn't.

Nothing. There was nothing to hold on to. He felt so helpless. The embrace of the Winter Soldier didn't sound so bad anymore. He'd have a purpose then.

 

**\- Benign. [dobroserdechnyy] -**

It wasn't that bad. Thinking about nothing. The pain slowly died down. Instead of pain he felt the strength reappearing.

His breathing went slowly back to normal. He didn't panic anymore. He didn't remember why he panicked before. It was all gone.

 

**\- Homecoming. [vozvrashcheniye na rodinu] -**

It was a weird word, Bucky thought. Homecoming. Coming home. Was he really? Was this his home?

He didn't remember.

His name slipped from his thoughts. It was a distant thought about something that sounded familiar. But he couldn't name it anymore.

James Barnes wasn't existing anymore.

 

**\- One. [Odin] -**

His body was starting new. His mind was blank. Wiped from everything good. Or bad. He didn't remember. He knew he didn't have to. They would fill in the blank soon. His eyes drifted away from the girls he had been staring at. He didn't remember why he did that.

His eyes searched the one who was speaking the words. He'd be the one to fill in the blank in his head. With a new mission. With a purpose.

 

**\- Freight Car. [gruzovoy vagon] -**  

The man had his full attention by now as he slowly looked up. The pain was fully gone, he was calm. Waiting. His metal arm flexing slightly in his cuff. Which was opening soon enough. He was stronger. He felt stronger.

The order that followed was easy. His eyes found the targets. He hadn't realized they were awake. The blonde seemed familiar. The man told her that she betrayed them. Maybe that was why she was so familiar. She had been on their side. And now they were on different sides.

The other one was staring wide eyed at him, as if she didn't understand the world around her. She wasn't human. But he didn't know what she was. Or who she was. Could she talk? Did she have a name?

Unimportant - his brain already decided. Those targets were his. He could prove his loyalty to Hydra after he had been gone for a while. Needed to prove that he was still worth it.

The women - he guessed the alien one was one as well - were freed. Maybe to challenge him. Maybe to make it more interesting for them. He didn't care. It wasn't important.

His mission was important. He felt almost light headed when he got up. He didn't notice the other male retreating from the room - leaving them alone. Probably to watch from a safe place.

He heard the blonde saying something. He didn't understand at first. His mind was too focused. He frowned as he walked over to her. She didn't seem too scary. But maybe he was underestimating her. Before she could try anything else, Bucky threw her against the wall, surprised over the new found strength in his arm. The new metal arm was way better than the old one. Stronger.

He reached for the knife that laid on a table near them and then the girl was already back.

A mix of almost breaking bones, hits, crashes and several punches were followed by a shout of someone else. Maybe the other one. He hadn't focused on her. He was supposed to kill the blonde first.

But soon he had the black haired alien or whatever it was in a tight grip, metal fingers closing around the neck while he had kicked down the blonde once more, making sure her head had hit the ground to knock her out for at least a few seconds.

Cold, blue eyes met the gaze of big, dark ones. The others neck in his hand, his fingers squeezing a little. Testing. His mind didn't get the words she was saying to him. Only when she touched his other arm accidentally - or maybe not so accidentally - it felt like she burned him.

Immediately he let go of her, growling as he pushed her away, letting her crash over one of the tables. By that time - it were mere seconds in between - the blonde woman was already back on her feet, attacking him from behind. She managed to tackle him down, but the Soldier turned in his fall, pushing her away with his arm, reaching for the knife again. This time he didn't miss. But so didn't she.

He cut her arm as she probably broke his nose at the same time. The metallic taste in his mouth giving him an even better kick. A small smirk flew over his face as he kicked her with his knee into the stomach, turning them around and choking her as well while he knelt over her.

Draining the life slowly out of her. He looked up when he heard a sound. It was her again. The black haired. He wondered why she wasn't afraid. She should be afraid. Maybe she was stupid. He had to let go of the blondes neck to keep the alien one from punching him with a stick. He caught the stick with his hand, pulling on it to bring her closer. He threw the knife when she tried to back away. From the sound of pain he knew he hadn't missed her. Maybe just a cut but enough to keep her busy.

While he tried to hold the woman under him down, he had to search for a new weapon.

She managed to get away from under him, kicking and punching, things he didn't even really feel right now.

His eyes found a gun - not far from them. But the blonde one saw it on the same time. They both reached for it and maybe the second the woman looked for her friend it was his time.

He reached for the gun, firing away while he was still turning. But she was already back. A few awful punches on both sides and both reached for the gun that had fallen on the ground.

But then he decided differently, already reaching for her neck as he slammed her down. Something cracked. But it wasn't her neck. She was fighting back too much for that.

Their eyes met for a second. As if she'd begged him silently for something.

Maybe to remember. He couldn't take the look in her eyes. She was too weak. Maybe they had been friends before. Maybe that was why she didn't kill him.

A final punch with his metal arm to her face finally knocked her out. And only then he realized the blood on his hands, the heavy breath and the still metallic taste in his mouth.

Mission halfway completed. He'd kill her later.

But first he had to take care of the other one.

She was looking at him. Waiting. And said the same the blonde had said. Maybe it was a name.

He blinked a bit, a mind full of nothing but the want to kill and hurt tried to focus on what she said.

Bucky.

He slowly got up, but this time she didn't back away. So stupid. She should run away. He almost told her. She didn't seem to want to fight like the blonde one did. As if she was waiting for something. Studying his face.

His eyes squinted lightly as he stood in front of her, looking down at her. Only then he realized he was still gripping tightly the handle of the knife. His eyes wandered from the knife back to her. The same silent beg in her eyes than he had seen before.

When his hand snapped forward to hold her against the wall, fingers tightly around her neck - so did hers. But instead she reached for anything that was him. The vulnerable part. Not the metal part.

Feelings. Hers? His? Theirs? A mess. A flash of something went through his brain. Pictures. Scenes. Memories?

He tightened his grip and hoped she'd let go of him. When she didn't, he pulled her from the wall away, just to crash her against it again, knife close to her neck as well.

"Stop it.", his voice snapped at her. Whatever she was doing. Why didn't she fight him at least? It was so easy. But when his mind seemed to try to get through the things she let him feel - he was busy. For only half a second and so her kick in his bottom parts took him off guard. A mistake. A stupid mistake that shouldn't have happened to him.

Immediately his mind was clear again, as he was half kneeling on the ground, gathering his breath. He sniffed when her little fist hit his already broken nose, the blood didn't seem to stop right now.

A few moments later he was back on his feet. The fight that followed was quick. But ugly.

Soon he had her back on the ground, maybe she was still hoping for something. He didn't know what. Maybe he should know.

The handle of the knife almost hot in his hand when he drove it into her. Smooth. Fast. The only thing he didn't expect was her pulling her up her leg. So he hit her leg instead of her stomach. Her gasp of shock and pain was something that didn't affect him. He didn't care.

Their eyes met as he pulled back the knife.

Bucky.

There it was again. He searched for regret in her eyes. Or anything else. That she didn't fight him. That he had her first.

Mission completed. Soon.

Bucky.

She kept saying it. And she kept touching him. As if she was searching for something in his head. Maybe the wall he found whenever he thought about anything that wasn't related to the Winter Soldier. The wall that was supposed to keep his feelings out.

Her hands finding his temple while he was still leaning over her. A soft touch he wasn't used to. A touch that shook something in him.

She kept telling him to remember. Remember what?

Who?

Bucky?

His eyes snapped down to the small puddle of blood forming around them. To the knife next to him. Back to her as she was still in his head.

The pain was back.

He nearly crashed down over her.

He didn't hear the blonde one stirring somewhere behind them again.

 

**~~_Freight Car._ ~~ **

Somewhere he heard explosions.

~~_**One.** _ ~~

Bucky. She kept repeating the name. His name?

~~_**Homecoming.** _ ~~

She was still in his head.

_~~**Benign.** ~~ _

Natalia. The blonde one was her. The Red Room. He remembered it. He remembered the other ones he had killed.

_~~**Nine.** ~~ _

Somewhere he heard someone shouting. He couldn't understand what. He was reaching for the hands on his face, wanting to pull them away to stop this endless pain.

~~_**Furnace.** _ ~~

Too fast. Everything was too fast. Moving. Hurting. The world seemed to turn ten times faster.

_~~**Daybreak.** ~~ _

He wanted it to stop.

~~_**Seventeen.** _ ~~

Mantis. That was her name. He knew her.

~~_**Rusted.** _ ~~

The blood. Everywhere. It was everywhere. On his hands. On her. On the ground. He heard someone shouting again. Pulling him up, pushing him away from her, shouting again. Punching.

He sunk to the ground, the soft hands on his face gone and nothing was left than pain and a never ending flood of memories coming back to him.

~~_**Longing.** _ ~~

He didn't know when he passed out. From the pain? Maybe he got knocked out. Maybe they tried to kill him.

Bucky. Bucky, that was his name.

James Buchanan Barnes.

Buck.

Bucky.

\- - -

The next time he woke up, the soft hands were back. Before he even opend his eyes. He felt like he had slept for a very long time. His body was aching. But maybe that was a good thing. He wasn't dead then.

His eyes blinked against the sudden brightness when he opened his eyes. He recognized the one in front of him. It was the one he tried to kill. She wasn't dead? Why was she here? Where were they?

Soft hands held him down when he started to panic and tried to sit up, they were running through his hair when he leaned half over the bed, trying to gather his breathing and calming down. She was just there.

Like she had been before. Just comforting him. Helping him. He remembered.

A pained expression appearing on his face when he realized what he had done. He had almost killed her.

And Natalia. He raised his eyes, a quiet question about her and how they got here. If they were all alive. He only realized then that it was his room.

She kept him grounded. He still felt like freaking out when hours later he knew the girls were alright. He hurt them badly. But he didn't kill them.

He didn't finish his mission. He managed to come back. To remember. Even if he couldn't do it on his own.

But maybe he could learn.

The only important thing was them being alive.

He probably apologized a million times but Nat always just pointed towards his broken nose and the violet, blue mark forming under and around his eye, the aching head and his broken rips which he didn't feel before and told him she already took revenge and that it was over. She understood. And so did he.

They didn't talk about what had happened in there. He didn't talk about it to anyone. And he was glad he was still tolerated here. Not even to Steve he dared to talk about it - in the end he nearly killed his friends. Even though Steve would probably be the least one to blame him for anything the Winter Soldier did.

They made sure to call it the Winter Soldier accident. Something /he/ did. Not Bucky. They tried to set a line of difference which Bucky couldn't see on his own.

Only when the nightmares caught up again and he woke up screaming - there were those soft hands on his face again to soothe him back into sleep. And sometimes they talked about it. And he didn't know why she trusted so much into him coming back - into him remembering - that she wouldn't actually fight except for trying to protect herself.

But it felt good to have someone like that.

To help him remember when he woke up and didn't know who he was anymore.

Then she'd sit down on his bed and she'd tell him again.

James Buchanan Barnes.

Bucky.

Survivor of the Winter Soldier.

 

 _And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"._  
_I can't help this awful energy._  
_God damn right, you should be scared of me,_  
_Who is in control?_


End file.
